To the girl who almost became my friend.

December 2016;

I had just turned 16, an age I had envisioned differently. I had this whole 'sweet 16' picture in my head. This idea of a nicer life. By nicer, I wasn't necessarily thinking future plans or anything close, I just meant enough money to go out with my friends, people to actually call friends and a birthday party that comes with juicy teenage drama. So maybe 'cooler' was the word I should have used. 'I wanted a cooler life'. But that wasn't my life, Because I was nowhere near 'cool' at 16. 

And then you came around.

The first day you walked in, I immediately knew I wouldn't like you. Your presence demanded immediate attention the minute you sat in the chair across me and that irritated me. When the teacher asked for your name, everyone turned to you again and that irritated me even more. So when you asked for my name after class,p I just walked away. I walked away because I could, I walked away because I had nothing to say to you, I walked away because I couldn't understand why you were even talking to me but to be honest I still question myself sometimes on why I really walked away.

But then the next day I decided to try again. I walked up to you this time, told you my name and blamed my non existent bad headache for my rude attitude. Suprisingly, you weren't angry and I remember thinking 'she's not petty after all, we could be friends'. So we started talking and some days later, you couldn't make it to school due to a tummy ache but still sent me a note through your cousin. I may not be able to completely recollect every single word but at the end of the note I remember you wrote "I love you" and signed off with a heart emoji. And it got to me, it was all I needed to feel terrible about not being friendly enough. So I wrote you a note back, wishing you a quick recovery and I meant every word of it.

Things moved smoothly and a while later, I found out you wrote too. It excited me, so every morning before classes begun you would show me your writings and I would make corrections. I sincerely enjoyed being able to come up with ideas with you and play around with the characters. It was an amazing bonding experience, something I've never really experienced to be honest.

I've definitely never mentioned this to you but I  admired your drive, your commitment towards the book; you told me you'd finish it and you did and seeing that really inspired me a lot. But above all, I admired your good nature of being able to smile even when you're being frowned at, of always seeing the good in people and seemingly filtering out the thrash in what people say so that only the good remains. And that's something I'll always respect you for.

But it's not just praises I have to sing of you. Because sometime during our friendship, something happened. Something in me broke; my ego shattered. A damaged almost irreparable occurred. I'm not quite sure how to explain that although you were one person who was very good to me, you were bad FOR me.

That one time at the bank, when the cashier said we looked alike you told me "That's not true. He's just looking to start a conversation". But I heard "of course not, you'll never be as pretty as me".

Or the time when we both coincidentally had our hair in braids. I had mine black and short and I thought it looked good. I really did. Well, until I saw yours. Until I saw how purple and long yours was. As if looking at yours wasn't enough reminder. Martin, the cute boy in our maths class, had to point it out further. 

In the morning, when he'd saw mine, he claimed it was beautiful, but hours later he saw yours and asked me why I didn't make mine like yours. I laughed it off. I said "I was in a hurry" but deep down I meant "I'm never going to be that pretty anyway".

Being friends with the pretty girl means I'm always *the other girl*, *the friend* and nothing more. Being friends with the pretty girl means lots of invites to the coolest parties because I'm *the friend*. Being friends with the pretty girl means everytime you got attention or got called beautiful I not only felt overshadowed but I felt straight up UGLY. Being friends with the pretty girl means I watch everyone hit on my 'friend' while I get asked for help.

Being friends with the pretty girl came with a long list of things I didn't want to be. So no matter how good you were to me being friends with you was BAD for me.

And it sucks watching you get 'pretty girl privileges'. Knowing I'll never be exposed to the same. Knowing a guy won't stand up for me when I need a seat in chemistry class. Or remember that time you came late and Ayo offered you her note to copy without you even asking for it. Yes pretty girl privileges works with girls too. So maybe that won't happen to me and I just have to get to class in time. Too bad 'smart girl privileges' don't matter as much.

But I don't know, maybe I'm just paranoid, maybe I'm just insecure, maybe I'm overthinking this, maybe it's not that big a deal. Maybe. Maybe.. Maybe...

But once in a while, I don't know if you notice, but once in a while I ask you if I'm pretty. I know you'd say yes but I ask anyway. Maybe if a pretty girl calls me pretty, I'll feel pretty. Or maybe that'll only work if she notices it instead of getting asked. I don't know. There's a lot of maybes here.

Or maybe I shouldn't have met you at all because now I can't even take a picture. I can't take a picture without remembering the time you were in such a hurry to log into your instagram just to check how many likes you had gotten. You told me it wouldn't be less than a thousand, and I thought you were bluffing. I really did, because I mean I'm a regular teenage girl. I can barely gather a hundred likes. But you log in and I see more than a thousand. I was surprised but I wasn't necessarily shocked you know. So I said "you deserve it. It's a beautiful picture". But you looked at me like it wasn't that big a deal, like people just go around gathering thosands of likes on a single picture. So I told myself "Never take a picture again. Just don't do it".

Maybe I shouldn't have let it get this bad. Maybe I shouldn't have walked up to you to tell you my name after all. Or maybe I need this. Maybe it's high time I realized not every good person is good for me. There goes the *maybe* again.

But I love you still, you know. Because when we spoke last week it occurred to me. Although I really try to see you less and less everytime, and this University thing is a good excuse. We speak once in a while and last week you texted me and it read " Hey it's been a while. Are you okay?". I thought you sounded too concerned. So I asked you why you sounded so concerned and you texted me back "Because I care". And once again your good nature shined through. So it occurred to me that although I may never want to call you a friend. I'd call you a loved one anyday anytime. Because I love you, you and your good heart.

But still I'm sorry. I'm sorry to say that I'm prettier when you're not around me. I'm sorry to say that I love my phone better when I'm not looking at how big yours is. I'm sorry to say you were good to me but still damaged my ego. I'm sorry to say you were the girl who almost became my friend. I'm sorry that while you were inviting me to parties with your friends I had to study to make sure I didn't retake the exams. I'm also sorry because I know running away probably isn't the solution but it's the first step to my recovery.

But most importantly I'm sorry it took me so long to admit this to myself. 

So maybe in another lifetime we can explore what could have been. Maybe in another lifetime I'll be beautiful, this would be beautiful. Maybe in another lifetime we would be friends for real and finally start a Tumblr account where people would be jealous of our thousand likes gathering pictures LOL.

But until then, this is a goodbye from a girl you probably call friend.

Thank you.

I love you.💖