This thing I call dream.

 I'm not sure what's worse; living without actually finding something you'll feel empty without, or living without ever needing to feel any void.

The simple explanation of that is: finding passion or just winging life, what's worse?

When you consider the fact that not all passion eventually leads to results.

I mean, I call my writing my 'passion project', when in reality, it could be my death sentence.

My desire to express my thoughts in words runs deeper than my will to have or accept an alternative reality. 

I could be quite stubborn about this thing called dreaming. This act of sitting in a corner, watching life pass me by, because in my head, it's not my time to live yet. It's not my time to join the crowd so I seat and watch the crowd.

But the thing about dreaming is that I sometimes always have to have my eyes closed, not because of the dream, but rather, because the fear of seeing what actually stands before me is greater. 

I'm afraid I'll see something real, I'm afraid I'll see what my life may turn out to be if somewhere in God's plans, not all dreams come true. 

I'm even afraid I'll have to thankful for what I have because the person who stands before me prays for my life. 

But that's a balance I'm yet to fully establish. 

I'm yet to find a way to be grateful but hopeful for a better tomorrow. I'm afraid if I get too grateful it'll led to content, too much contentment, and in this world of dreaming you must be never be satisfied. Hunger is the biggest drive you'll have. At least that's what I tell myself, and that is just stupid. 

But what's more stupid about that is the fact that; it's the way that I live.

I have somehow come to terms with the idea of defining success by my ability to make this work. 

This dream work.

And it's almost suicidal because what if it doesn't work out?

What if no one ever gets to read what I write?

But I have somehow convinced myself to only live in a world where my writings are vital because that's the only world I want to exist in. That's the only world I'm capable of existing in. But that world isn't even on the map yet!

I see my friends, and I see what makes them happy. I see what makes their smile show, and then I notice it's the little things. It's really the little things, the things I take for granted. 

The little things that are not enough for me.

But really what can I do?

I'm a dreamer and this dream is making me crazy. I know it.

But still what can I do?

So it brings me back to my earlier question; to find passion that's almost suicidal or to live without ever truly craving something. 

Which is worse?